tiny book review.2025.n3 -- mating in captivity by Esther Perel

Esther Perel has been around for a while (this book was published in 2006), but may be having a bit of a moment presently, or I'm just catching up. She has a podcast (apparently; I haven't listened), she is a guest on many other podcasts (where I was first introduced to her) and people (in my circle, at least) just seem to be talking about her. So I decided I'd read her book. Or this book of hers. 

My review: It was good. Really good. Good enough that I'm now recommending it to all my married friends, or at least those friends with whom I have the sort of relationship that I can use the word "sex" in conversation with them. Because that's what this book is about. Sex. In marriage (or the equivalent). 

And...given that's the topic, I'm hesitant to offer too much more regarding my specific thoughts and/or insights. But let me say this: I found her ideas challenging, in the best of ways. Though, I was skeptical at first. 

She starts by explicitly challenging the status quo of the relationship between sex and intimacy in marriage (tell me how things are in the bedroom and I'll tell you how things are otherwise), and for the first couple of chapters I guess I was unconvinced--thinking her explanation of the status quo sounded just about right. However, by the third chapter I was coming around, and each chapter thereafter I found increasingly insightful, so that by the end I was questioning everything I thought I knew about long-term healthy sexual relationships. 

So, I liked that. 

Also, the topic of sex in marriage highlights what we should already know: there is just so much variance among the human population. In fact, at one point I was reminded of the marriage (non)advice that I give when called upon to give advice--that all marriage advice is useless, because everyone's arrangement is their own, and what works for one couple will not likely work for another, so you've gotta just figure it out for yourselves.

As I said, I'm recommending it...to all my married friends. 

4.5 of 5 stars.